The pizza Wars
Ah the tale of the pizza wars, a tale as old as time.
After the salami revolution of the sixth astral era. Remnants of the pepperoni rebels accrued power on the outskirts of Ul'dah funded by Ascians. They conspired to assasinate the arch duke of supreme for his role in the revolution but failed to adequately prepare and were immediately thwarted. The brother of arch duke supreme named "greasy NY pizza guy" was outraged and sent troops to attack the pepperoni rebels.
Around Eorzea word spread and became sympathetic to the rebels, mainly because greasy NY pizza guy had extremely poor Moogle reviews. Thus began the Great Pizza War, a war between the great pizza factions.
After the embers of the great pizza wars have died, new ideas started in the salami revolution took hold, with a group known as Pizza Time embodying the ideals of pizza-ism. The ideals held that everyone should be entitled to pizza at anytime and anywhere, as opposed to the meat lovers aristocracy who wanted to hoard pizzas to themselves. The other factions disliked that Pizza Time allowed the option of pineapple on pizza as they condemned it as heresy. But to pizza time, everyone was allowed to be given the choice of having and not having pineapple. Such ideals of freedom and liberty were foreign in those times.
This set the stage for the second great pizza war: electric boogaloo where the Hawaiian pizza faction declared war on the non-pineapple factions. Somehow by betraying both sides, Pizza Time became the last faction standing, thus ending the second great pizza war.
In the crusts of the second pizza war, Arch Duke Supreme's son: Pizza the Hutt arose to uproot Pizza Time's supremacy, this is known as the cold pizza war.
This brings us to today where soldiers of Pizza Time fight the evil Pizza the Hutt from selling TMNT pizzas. Meanwhile greasy NY pizza guy plots his revenge................
FAQ
1. How do I order pizza?
On materia data centre, check if the store is open on party finder then shoot me a /tell from it. From then on, you tell me your order and location and I will do my best to make my way to that place. Once I have arrived, I will open a trade menu where the pizza and gil is traded simultaneously.2. It wont let me respond to you using /tell.
This is because you may be cross-world from me in which case you should use /reply.3. I did not immediately get a response.
I shall do my best to respond but there may be multiple orders coming in simultaneously and I may not be able to immediately respond, don't worry as I probably have read your message and cannot respond. If on the off chance I don't see your message, don't be afraid to shoot me another /tell.4. I would like an unusual/unorthodox order that involves [something]
Sure, I'm happy to do it for you, why not?5. Do you know about the twitter/pc gamer article?
Yup, I'm pretty amazed it got to that point.6. Can I work with you?
Yes.
The time has come to franchise so that I may reach other DCs
If you have any suggestions or want a collaboration or anything else, feel free to shoot me a message.7. ** How do I contact you?**
Discord Catharsis#0001
Meet the team
Materia (OCE) (Flagship)
Catharsis Katahiro (CEO of Pizza)
Some dumb Miqo'te had the dumb idea back in 5.4 to make a pizza delivery service in Eorzea. Well pizza wasn't in Eorzea at that point so she went to stop playing until 6.05 where she levelled culinarian and learned the existence of pizza. Now an expert(ish) delivery person and chief (this was misspelled unintentionally but im gonna leave it in), she travels the whole flat world delivering pizzas to those who request it. Even if someone decides to order it from on top of Kugane tower.Life is like a pizza. It can be a shitty microwavable pizza that makes you sad, or a quality oven cooked pizza made by someone with a moustache.
Swilly Mac
One day you gotta work on your side hustle, one person can only do so many things. To that end I have recruited the person to help me do many things, Swilly Mac. A veteran from the pizza wars, they had fought against the tyranny of Pizza The Hut and lived to tell the tale. They then thwarted a plot in Ul'dah at Pepperoni Plaza, where a bunch of East Ala Mhigan terrorists attempted to steal a bunch of bearer bonds from the syndicate during the starlight celebration.Whoa, you can turn off the profanity filter in this game?
Lilithy Timbers
Lilithy Timbers pizza resume cover letter (final).docx
So they messaged me a few months before employment, offering their service and I said okay. Out of the blue I conscript them as a new soldier of the pizza wars, one I was loosing to the evil Pizza the Hutt. To train the new soldier for the coming pizza fight ahead, I may have gone overboard with project MKPizza and turned them into someone who is obsessed with excellent customer service. Wherever they go they slice of pizza with them, even whilst asleep. With this in mind we should be good to mount an invasion into Tural in the coming months where we will back a successor in a coup who is the most sympathetic to our pizza-ism ideology.Whether it be raining or cloudy, in the dungeons of the deep or the heavens-on-high, rest easy that pizza is no more than a teleport (and probably a peloton or two) away.
Unless my roulette sent me back to Praetorium. Then you might be waiting a while.
Chibi Aneki
I was walking one day when I got attacked by a pack of lalafells, all hungry for kids meals. Before I knew it, all my pizzas disappeared from in inventory. For some reason, I decided to blame Krille and the students of baldesion but we needed an army, someone on the inside to help feed us intel, that was Chibi Aneki, a fun sized pizza delivery person to help us win in this war against the students of baldesion._Come bring the usual to the usual place _
Vermund Solaris
Please listen to "Spiderman 2 Pizza Theme" whilst you read this bio*.
bows Hello, I am pizza delivery popoto.
Ping me, and I'll prepare you a delicious meal. dotes
Start by ordering a PIZZA.
Add in an extra bubble tea, the OG garlic bread, anything really.
I will make sure it's cooked to perfection, thin, crispy, thicccc, cursedpizza.exe or extra cheeeesy.
And that boba be 0% sugar, 100% tapoica pearls, if that cursed combination is your thing.
My little legs will sprint to you puff puff to make sure you receive a lovely meal.
BA DUM BA DUM, BA DA DA DA DUM
Wherever you are in EORZEA , this popoto will come to you!
puff I MADE IT!
Hope you enjoy your meal!!!
playsdeadLemme know if you need me to shorten it (I intentionally left this in)I listened to that cursed pizza song for a good 2 hours
Was it worth it? Yes
Uhmo Q'minti
A few months ago the pizza union decided to hold a strike against my tyrannical and oppressive working conditions thus leading to many of my workers going on strike. No problem as I can just hire new ones. Our first and only picket jumper was Uhmo, and I was keen on getting them to join the pyramid multilevel marketing scheme.Me: If there was a pizza about to fall to the ground and there was also a lalafell about to fall from a tall place, and you can only save one, which would you save?Uhmo: Ill throw the lalafell as a cushion to save the pizzaMe: HIREDI wanna kneed the very best
Like no one ever has
To cook them is my real test
To bake them is my cause
I will travel across the land
Searching far and wide
Teach Eorzeans to understand
The Pizza that's inside
Pizza Time! Gotta sell them all![Left here intentionally]
Is this good? xDPicture will be sent soon~
Chaos (EU) [On vacation]
Deci Whitehawk
Please note they are currently on vacation to the western shroud
Good old Catharsis could not be everywhere at once, much to her dismay. After setting up online orders (alpha) someone had sent an order from phoenix which was on EU, she enlisted the help of someone to make that delivery, that person was Deci who decided to get in on the pizza delivery business. Deci takes the role of franchise owner on EU and essentially upgrades Catharsis to the CEO of Pizza.DELIVERY SERVICE RP
I'm actually laughing my ass of wanting to do this.
Paper Ereshkigal [On vacation]
Please note they are currently on vacation to the western shroudHere at pizza time labs, creating the best pizzas in the lab, we attempted to make paper into a pizza. Something went wrong and the paper turned into a person, shit happens I guess. We now own the world's first paper person to deliver pizzas. Just as Estinien predicted long ago in 1.0A piece of paper here to deliver your pizza
Light (EU)
Mint Wolfsheart
Alrighty lads, we have found the true embodiment of catgirl energy made flesh. If you want a pizza delivered to you by someone who is pure sunshine and rainbows, with a vibrant personality, this is the person you want. In truth I fear for them in the pizza wars, not for Mint but rather for our enemies. They better not add bird people in the next expansion because they would be in for a wild ride once Mint arrives. But if you are not a bird expect a reliable catgirl to bring you a slice of joy to your doorstep, just mind that occasional cat hair in the box.Ehhh I wish to become a pizza delivery cat nya~ becoming pizza sounds a little extreme
AGNI RATHA
Perhaps my cruellest induction yet, during the interview process, I decided to throw in a screwball and asked them to solve the hodge conjecture. Needless to say they did not succeed but I daresay that the answer I recieved was the closest humanity has ever came to be solving it, a great shift in modern understanding and mathematical modalities was made on that day. The great sharlayan scholors have a lalafell sized intellect compared to the ultima weapon that is Agni Ratha's mind. The great minds of Albert Estienian or Stephen Hawkers-Alley were dumbfounded by the solution, how could they not figured it out when it is so simple?In Eorzea's lands,
Pizza journeys hand in hand,
Feast for brave demands.
Deci Whitehawk (afk)
Deci's clone for operation deliver to phoenixWTF do we use for garlic bread and boba tea?
Primal (NA)
Tenkay Shijou [On vacation]
Stuck in a time loop
After getting cancelled on twitter, they have a redemption arc to restore their reputation. Named Tenkay after the amount it costs for one pizza (10k gil) they are cursed to roam the Etheirys, delivering pizzas to all.
Yeah
Crystal (NA)
Cemi'a Duskstep
They sent me some stuff regarding a bio, it had something to do with needing cash for bills and becoming a courier of pizza. That's great and all but did you know that orca have a special technique where they beach themselves in order to catch specific prey? It takes a lifetime of practice and skill in order to do it successfully, and even then only some orca are capable of pulling it off. These are the elite hunters amongst the apex predators, pizza delivery is much like these advanced orca techniques, willing to risk our lives in order to deliver this pizza, a task that only a few can truly accomplish.I really knead the dough
Menu & Services
Standard Pizza - 10,000 gil
A simple yet elegant dish with dough made from upland flour before being thrown several times in the air. Topped off with tomatos imported from The First, mozzarella cheese and salt crystals from Ala Mhigo. The crust is crispy from being thrown in a wood fire oven, with the wood being that of elm lumber.
Garlic Bread - 5,000 gil
Useful side dish if you ever get caught fighting vampires. Lets get this bread.
Bubble tea - 5,000 gil
Bubble milk tea from Ishguard with tapioca pearls in it. Not recommended if you are lactose intolerant.
Kid's meal combo - 20,000 gil
You get a pizza + bubble tea + garlic bread + a mystery toy. Perfect to buy for patronising lalafells, just don't sue us for increasing childhood obesity.
Ratatouille (Pumpkin) - 10,000 GIL
Imagine you are in the raid, and you need that last bit of motivation. Its like the scene in ratatouille where the critic eats it and has a flashback. This is the promise that I shall give you. Complements from the rat chef that lives under my pizza cap.
Archon Burger - 10,000 gil
Apparently invented in Sharlayan but I don't understand why, it does not take a genius to put a steak in between two bread buns. This particular variation of the archon burger had its recipe stolen by us from the restricted archives, why might you ask? Because it tasted too damn good. In the end, we framed the Students of Baldesion for it, I'm sure Krile wont mind.
Magical Creamy hot chocolate - 10,000 gil
Lemme tell y'all a little story of a lil Catharsis Katahiro, who worked tirelessly to create the perfect hot chocalate during the starlight celebration, hoping that the Saint of Nymeia would saunter down the chimney and deliver the young cat girl her long awaited copy of the Shrek 2 DVD. After passing out from staying awake to attempt to witness the saint drinking the hot chocolate, they awoke the next morning to see that below the fir tree was.... nothing!!!!
From then on Catharsis would swear hatred upon such celebrations as it would reminder her of such a devastating humiliation, and would actively attempt to sabotage such events from occurring.
Now the recipe to that hot chocolate has been discovered, and you too can also taste the hopes and dreams of a young cat girl dashed upon the floor. You may even taste the magical miqo'te tears in it too...
Services
You can hire us to dispense pizzas at your venue with us, just contact us through discord, in game or even using the online ordering system and we can get something arranged for you.If you are feeling really sadistic you can order a pizza with no teleports so we have to travel on foot. Dont do it yet because the details have yet to be ironed out.
Online Order (Beta)
Currently online ordering is in alpha, but it does work. It may improve to have a cart and stuff in the future but it will require paying carrd even more money for variables which I don't want to do. Also I may be offline so that wont work if thats the case.
Pizza - 10,000 gil
Garlic Bread - 5,000 gil
Bubble Tea - 5,000 gil
Kid's Meal Combo - 20,000 gil
(Includes pizza + boba tea + garlic bread + toy)
Ratatouille (Pumpkin) - 10,000 GIL
I havent added it in to the buttons below, so just write it down if you want it.
Archon Burger - 10,000 GIL
I havent added it in to the buttons below, so just write it down if you want it.
Magical Creamy Hot Chocolate - 10,000 GIL
I havent added it in to the buttons below, so just write it down if you want it.
Just chuck in your name and world in the first box and in the second the details of your location. Press some buttons to increment or decrement your order. It looks like complete ass and sometimes the button orders don't work, but whatever. Materia, Primal, Chaos and Crystal only [EU on vacation rn]!!!If you are ordering for someone else, please put both your name and their name in so we know who to grab the gil from.
0 Pizza
0 Garlic Bread
0 Bubble Tea
0 Kids meals
Total =
Venue
Currently its a bunch of boxes right now